When Affirmations Don't Work
March 2010
John arrived at his coaching session with ‘failure’ written all over
him (now that I’m an addict of the Lie To Me Series I am observing
facial expressions much more closely so beware :-) ).
The divorce settlement he had signed years ago had thoroughly (excuse
me) screwed him, his ex-wife is manipulating his children into disowning
him, and the recession has hit his new business at a crucial moment.
John, who has an impressive intellect and high degree of spiritual
awareness, has managed to weather these storms and still preserve a new
relationship with an integral, warm woman. But do you know why he still
feels like a failure and keeps on attracting evidence to prove that he
is? John thinks he is spiritually lazy and incompetent because the
affirmations he has pasted on his mirror have not come true and he isn’t
meditating for an hour a day. He hasn’t managed to turn his life into a
Flora advert by virtue of positive thinking.
Those of you who know my work will have heard me refer to this
phenomenon as ‘The Secret backlash’. I see it in my practice regularly –
clients feeling guilty and spiritually weak because, even though they
have been visualising success / a hot date / no more potholes, it’s just
not happening. And even though they have been practicing gratitude,
looking for the silver lining (read: ignoring their real feelings), they
are going round in circles, stuck in the same pain. John is sitting on
top of a volcano of anger in a valley of sadness. There is no way he
will lift himself or his life up until he has gone right into the core
of his anger and the depth of his sadness, no matter how many
affirmations he says. It is simply not possible to intellectually
manipulate your heart or body out of the truth of its feelings even if
you suppose there is a ‘more spiritual’ way to be or think.
Using affirmations (or anything else) to try and make yourself grateful,
forgiving or positive while you are still jealous, angry or scared won’t
work. Does this mean you vent your unprocessed rage or envy the moment
it comes up to the person who has stimulated it? There are some people
who feel this is the only truthful way but in my experience that causes
unnecessary damage, usually to things or people that you love. Instead,
you can take ownership of what you feel in any moment, let it be fully
felt, acknowledge it to yourself or to a friend, understand what really
triggered your reaction (it’s seldom the actual event but an
interpretation you drew out of the event) and then have a clear, quiet
look at what your feelings are telling you. It may be that it’s time to
draw the line somewhere or make a request for something you’re not
getting or tell someone clearly that they are hurting you. Or it may be
that you realize your feelings are coming from a past pain that you need
to heal. Either way, you first have to feel what is there. In the words
of Ken Wilber, you cannot transcend what you haven’t been through.
So John and I are going to go and find his buried anger at his ex-wife,
his sadness at losing his kids and his fears about his business. Instead
of using techniques to get over these feelings, we are going to go right
into them and give him a safe place to express and process his real
emotions. When his feelings no longer have a hold on him, then we can
use them to tell us what actions he should take next. Affirmations and
positive thinking can assist at this point – only when the real work is
done and they are not being used as a Band-Aid or a quick, simple fix.
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